Take me in your arms
by invalid92
Summary: Helga and Arnold are 18. Inspired by a poem called "Take me in your arms" I guess it's about Helga ultimately choosing between her addiction and the man who loves her
1. Stoop So Low

Chapter 1

I woke in my bed with my mother standing over me. She looked concerned.

Something was wrong.

The last time I saw any semblance of concern on her face was when Olga dropped out of college. Even then, it was like it didn't completely register with her.

"Honey, you can't keep getting hurt like this, you really need to watch where you're going."

"Where I'm going? What are you talking about?"

"You don't remember? You fell down that stairs again. You can't keep doing that we can't always afford to take you to the hospital."

_Really? Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell is wrong with you?_

"You look confused. I'll let you rest."

"Confused? I remember exactly what ahppened!"

"No you don't honey you hit your head. Maybe you had a bad dream?"

It was then that I knew why she was concerned. I could see it in her face. It wasn't concern, it was cowardice. She wan't concerned about me, she was afraid.

"That's it." I choked back my tears and did the same thing I always do. I turned my pain into anger. Anger is a much easier emotion to process. It also happenes to be the only one my parents really understand. "I can't take this anymore. What did I do to deserve this? Am I really such a horrible daughter? Even if I was a total bitch to you all the time, I'm a kid! No child, no matter how much hell they give their parents, deserves _this_."

My mother laughed. "Did you ever consider taking respinsability for your actions?"

I looked at her in utter disbelief. My pill-popping drunk-ass mother was trying to lecture me. I don't know what it must be like to have children, but I do know one thing: If anyone ever laid a finger on my child I would give them an old-fashioned ice-pick labotomy.

My mother never fought for me. Nobody did. It was time I started fighting for myself.

"You know, you're right. I'm going to do just that, and I'll start by getting the hell out of here."

That night I stayed at Phoebe's like I do every time something like this happens. This time was different though. I was determined to never go back.

I had almost finished my Senior year of high-school. Since I was legally an adult there were was no more legal red tape for anything. I could just... go.

"What? Helga I thought you wanted to go to Haverhill? You can still accept their invitation."

"That hippy-dippy art school? What the fuck am I going nto do with an art degree? I don't even know if I want to go to college. I really need to work on me right now."

Phoebe scoffed. "Says the girl who still can't leave the house without at least a few valium. I'm tired of enabling you Helga." Phoebe's expression seemed to say "I'm sorry."

"I know it's not your fault, but you've known the facts for years now, and you still haven't gotten help. I know I don't know what it's like and all, but you have to see things from my perspective. If you hated your parents as much as you say you do you would have called social services years ago. But I know you never will. Not only do you still love your parents, but you're allowing youself to be a victim. A statistic. The Helga I know would never allow that."

"I-" I readied myself for an angry retort, but nothing came out. She was right. I had nothing to say to that. I felt my expression soften. "I know you're right. I just need to do what's best for me. I need to make it on my own. Ray always told me 'if you ever need a place to stay I can set you up in my apartment building'"

"You mean project."

"So what? It's a place to live."

"Helga, it's a place for whores and druggies. Burnouts who will never amount to anything."

"Then it's the perfect place for me."

Phoebe looked deeply saddened. Partly because I had such little faith in myself, and partly because she knew I was right. I did belong on Washington street with Ray and his crew.

"So you really have no furniture?" Ray was partly suprised and partly sad that he wouldn't get to show off his strength lifting stuff for me. "When you said tou were moving in I was expecting, you know, like boxes and stuff."

"I did bring some boxes."

"Bitch you got one trunk of books and a tiny box of clothes." We laughed. "I thought you white women were supposed ot have all kinds of shoes and shit. Like, coats and bags and all that."

I shook my head at him. "Have you ever seen me waring anything other than these nasty-ass sneakers and jeans? What, you thought I was rich or somethin?"

"Naw, it's just that, you know, even poor white women got nice clothes. That usually part of why they poor to begin with."

I laughed pretty hard at that. I immediately thought of Olga with her piles of shoes right next to her piles of bills.

I liked hearing Ray's perspective on stuff. He came from such a different world. Only, it wasn't too different because his parents were dead beats too. He started fending for himself around my age.

"Well, pretty soon you gonna be snappin necks and cashin checks just like me." He beamed. He was so pleased with himself to have his own little protege.

"Dude, Imma be like the karate kid of weed. You're gonna be so proud of me."

"Yeah yeah, just don't get too cocky. I can't have my new girl gettin blasted away on her first day."

Ray moved my box into the bedroom. Then, something rare happened. Ray was serious for a moment. "You know, I really respec your descision to work with me. For a girl out here you got one of two options, either deal, or... Well, you know." I don't know if black people can really blush, but I think Ray was blushing.

"Yeah yeah, we all know nobody would pay real money for a night with me." We laughed

I thought back to the first time I met Ray. I was looking for a type of weed that you had to get "on the bad side of town." I was pretty scared. Of course I never let my friends know that. I remember Harold giving me a pep talk before I went to meet the guy. Of course he was too chicken to go in himself. Looking back on it, it's pretty funny how good weed brings people together. He was actually being nice to me for once. "Remember, It only takes fourteen pounds of pressure to rip a guy's ear off."

"Yeah yeah you big baby. I'll be out in a minute, just calm yo tits."

I walked up to the front desk of this very apartment building. "Hi, I wanted to pick up a package?"

"Aw yeah yeah, you the chick Joey sent right?"

"Yeah."

"Aw, well a pretty lady like you deserves the best. I'll see what we got out back."

_I sure hope he's actually talking about weed._

"Here we are." He brought out a small brown box that looked like it could be a package.

"Thank you." I said as I slipped a fifty into the tip jar.

I thought he was kind of cute. I knew he was older than me but I couldn't help but blush when he called me pretty. I continued buying from him for a few months. Sometimes I'd pick up bigger packages for my friends, and we'd have discrete ways of passing it. I alwyas picked up on it and was good at being dicrete. We got close to getting searched by the cops once, but I was able to smooth talk them away.

After that, Ray offerend me a job. "You know, there's an untapped market in Hillwood. All those upper-middle-class trust fund babies. Yuppies, soccer moms..."

"Yeah you'd be suprised with who smokes out there. I got high with my health teacher once."

From there on out we were partners. I never really sold that much, just to my friends. That's the best way to start out.

"You know, I think gramma might have an old couch lying around somewhere. I'll go see what we got." Ray lived with his grandma in the apartment on the first floor. She owned the building, and Ray took care of it. Ray ran the building in more ways than one. He supplied the tenants with electricity, water, heat, and drugs. If they didn't pay up, he'd take away each thing one at a time. He wasn't a normal gangster though. He rarely resorted to violence. He knew junkies like the back of his hand. He could get them to do anything. He had all the scum bags wrapped around his finger. He knew how their minds worked.

I hate junkies. I'm never really scared of the people I see in this neighborhood, but something baout those junkies just got to me. It's like watching an animal starve to death.  
Only, they're not cute. They're pathetic. They scared me the most. How somebody could sink so low as to actually inject something into their veins was beyond me.

I will never stoop so low.


	2. Heartache

Chapter 2

I lay in bed watching the clouds from my window. 8:30. I didn't really want to get out of bed.

Grandpa came in with a cup of coffee for me. "Surprised yer up shortman. You've been cramming all night." He gestured towards the books and papers sprawled out over my bed.

"Yeah, I guess I overdid it a little." I said wiping the sleep out of my eyes and taking the coffee cup. "Thanks."

"Grandma made pancakes if yer hungry."

"Okay, I'll be down in a bit."

I was taking my SATs again at 9:30. I really wanted to do well. I don't know why, but I always wanted to make my grandparents proud. It was kind of like my way of repaying them to raising me so late in life. As I got older it became more and more apparent what a big responsability it is for people their age to raise a teenager. They would love me no matter what I did. But I did know that I would never abandon them like my father did.

I remember the first time I ever heard my Grandpa say the word "dead" in reference to my parents. It was about a year after my trip to San Lorenzo when I came home enpty handed. I moped around for months on end. It really crushed me. I kept talking about going back to find them, and I think it just... got to him finally. I guess it never occured to me how hard it must be to lose a son. I mean, that was his _son_.

He was talling me to just let go and move on with my life like always, but I just kept pressing the matter. I just kept going on and on like an idiot not realizing that I was causing him pain. Finally he turned and gave me a look I will never forget. "Arnold, your mother and father are dead." He never said those words before. He would say things that suggested that he thought they were dead, but he never used those words for fear of hurting me. But there was just no other way to get through to me. He said each word slowly and clearly so he would never have to say them again. I knew they were most likely dead, but I knew from then on that I should really stop talking about it with him. His old heart really could not take it.

After the test Phoebe drove me to Gerald's.

Since Phoebe and Gerald got together, me, her, and Helga became kind of like a foursome. We did everything together. Phoebe was the only other one of us who was nerdy enough to even take the SATs again. Gerald and Helga were smart, but just too lazy to bother. Going through another grueiling six hours of testing.

It was kind of nice sharing that moment with Phoebe. Even though she was my friend, I always kind of felt like she and I weren't as close as the others. It was nice to have someone to talk about nerdy stuff with.

"So have you heard from Helga?" Gerald placed the xbox controller on the arm of the couch.

"No. Why? Is something wrong?"

"She left her parents house for good this time."

I scoffed and joined the lobby again. "I'll believe that when I see it. She's eighteen. Where is she gonna go?"

"She got a room from her drug dealer. She moved in this morning."

"What? How the hell is she going to afford that?"

"Well she still has that job at the diner, and she'll probably start dealing more now."

"Ugh." I got a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. "I don't like that. Not one bit. She's not safe there."

Gerald looked at me like I was an idiot. "You really don't get it do you?"

"Get what? She has problems with her parents. What teenager doesn't? At least she ha-"

"No." Gerald looked angry. "Don't even say that. You know, phoebe really didn't want me to tell you but somebody has to because you just don't connect the dots."

"What are you talking about?"

"All those bruises she always has are not from fights with other girls. They're from fights with her dad."

I was speechless. I knew Bob was a peice of shit dad but I didn't know he was that bad.

"He's been knocking her around since she was a little kid. It wasn't until she was a teenager that she started fighting back. But even now, there's only so much she can do."

My blood boiled. I don't know why but something about the idea of someone hurting her made me sick to my stomach. I've heard of kids at school who had abusive parents, and I though oh that sucks, but this. This was personal. Suddenly I was mad at Gerald and Phoebe.

"And you guys didn't get her help?"

Gerald shook his head. "She would stay with Phoebe when it got really bad. But she'd have us pick her up all the time. She didn't want us to do anything. It wouldn't be our place to."

"Why didn't she tell me? How long did you guys know about this?"

"Phoebe always knew. It wasn't until she and I were together for like six months that I found out. I wan angry too, but I trust her." Gerald began choosing his words carefully. "You're a very good friend. But you have a VERY strong sense of justice. You can fix anyone's problems. You always find a solution. But this one is too much for you. She needs more help than you can give her. And I know you, that would kill you."

"Don't you understand this changes everything between us? She was a bitch to me when we were little and I just thought she was an asshole, I didn't realize how deep her problems really went. All those times she would complain about Bob and Mariam... "

"Neither did I. But now can you see that it's for the best that she moves out? She's in just as much danger at home. She's a tough girl, she can take care of herself."

I started thinking about the baorders. None of them seemed to be leaving any time soon. Even if we did have the room, she wouldn't be able to pay as much as the others, and I can't ask my grandparents to take a cut in rent. Times are hard for them as it is. The more I thought about it the angrier I got.

"Dude, stop it. I can already see you looking for a solution. There isn't one. Helga just needs some time on her own. If you want to visit her go ahead, but don't tell her what you know. She'll kill Phoebe if she finds out we know. She doesn't want anyone to know."

"I just... Feel like I should be there for her this summer..."

"Oh no, you've been planning this trip fro way too long to put it off now."

"Wow, so now you think I should go?"

Gerald sighed. "You are gogin to do whatever you feel is right. Period. I know you. You just can't keep living on everyone else's beck and call. This time, she isn't asking for help. And you have problems of your own you need to sort out."

"I guess you're right. Anyway, my flight is on the seventh, so I had better get around to seeing if she's okay. I just..." It hurt. My heart. It hurt. No. It _ached_.


	3. Any Other Way

Chapter 3

Arnold called this morning. I know what you're thinking. Yeah, I love him. But I'm not _in love _with him. To be in love with a person, they need to love you back, in a _romantic _way.

I remember the first time he said he loved me. It was in some round about way like referring to me along with a few others as "The people I love." I know he meant that he loved me as a friend, they way he loved Gerald. But it still made me want to cry.

Over the years, I grew to be freinds with him, and that was when my life got significantly better. I calmed down, and realized that if I ever actually want to have a chance to be with him, we have to be friends first.

On our class trip to San Lorenzo, we all got much closer. That was when I started to let down my walls and be a friend to him. To everyone really. I kept masking my true feelings, like I always do, but I just did it in a nicer way. It's possible to hide your love for a person without being a total bitch to them. Of course I still tease him, but it's more like a friendly rivalry now.

Usually when people get close to Arnold, it's through some crazy situation in which they need his help. They cry on his shoulder, then everything is all better. My situation was a little more... complicated. He couldn't help me. But somehow, every day, I got a little bit closer to him. Now I would call him my best friend. Now that I think of it, I am pretty blessed to have so many best friends.

Anyway, he called me. I told him to come by when I got out of work to see my new apartment.

"I can't wait to see it!"

"Yeah, just don't get your hopes up. It's not that nice. I don't wan you to be too disappointed when you get here."

"Well I'm not going to be needing a gun am I? haha"

"Haha" _Actually, be probably does. I have one..._ "Just don't bring alone any valuables."

Later that day Arnold came by.

"Wow this building is even older than Sunset Arms." Arnold looked VERY uncomfortable. It was kind of cute actually. All these years I had always looked up to him and thought of him as the strongest person I know, but here, he was like a scared little kid. It became painfully obvious to me that he had lived a sheltered life. I don't know how he lived in this city for so long and never really experienced the ugly side of it.

"Yeah I guess it probably is. It suits my needs though. Oh well, some day when I'm famous I'll have a huge penthouse in New York."

"Yeah I guess so." He didn't laugh. He never laughed at me whan I talked about my dreams.  
He believed in me. He believed that I would be something some day.

About then I started thinking optimistacly. _Maybe I can go to Haverhill. Maybe I can find some kind of job through the school._ I envisioned myself as a yound upstart in the school wowing all of my professors and making a name for myself. I could see me now, on my way to my first book signing. Walking into that book store for the first time...

"Shit you weren't kidding. It really is empty." Arnold stood in the middle of the old dusty apartment. He looked so little.

"Yeah I know. Ray is helping me find some cheap stuff to fill it with. He tracked me down a used flat screen. He and Jeff are bringing over an old couch soon too."

"Wow. So Ray's really helping you out. Why is he doing so much for you?"

I sighed. I hadn't really though of it much. "I'm not naive. I know he is only helping me because he knows I'm a good dealer and I can bring in a lot of money."

"He's not... like, in a gang or something is he?"

"Oh no he works for himself. He's the only one with tthe stuff he sells. He grows it himself. Some gangsters buy from him and then sell it at a higher price in the inner city. As long as I don't sell on their territory, they'll leave me alone."

"Oh wow so you've been getting us whole sale home grown all this time?"

We laughed. It was weird hearing Arnold talk about weed. I remember the first time I smoked with him. He was so paranoid. He was always the gooddie twoshoes of the group. And he still is. He doesn't drink or anything, he just smokes with me and Gerald soimetimes. Phoebe doesn't like it when Gerald smokes, so he doesn't do it much anymore. Arnold and I still lit up from time to time in the boarding house basement. But now that I'm going to be paying rent, I probably won't be able to afford to smoke much anymore.

Everything was better when I was with Arnold. The world seemed less scary. I guess I kind of relyed on him. I learned in Psycology about something called "transference" last semester. I think that was when I realized I needed to stop treating him like he was all I had, because other people did show me kindness, he was just the first one.

Just then someone knocked on the door. It way Ray. "Dude I found you some shit."

"Oh great. Shit. Just what I need."

"No I'm serious. I found you a table you can write on and shit."

"What you mean you 'found' it?"

"I mean I found it at Crazy Dave's Dicount Furniture. Jeez whenever a white man says he found something nobody questions it. But the minute a brother shows up with some new furniture he found at half price everyone thinks he stole it. Some friend you are." He continued mumbling in mock anger as he put the table in the middle of the kitchen/living room.

"You're right Ray, I'm sorry. I am a white devil. Thank you." I gave him a "man hug" as I call it.

"Yeah no problem." The he noticed Arnold. "Hey man you Helgas new boyfiend?"

I responded by punching him in the arm.

"I'm Arnold. It's good to finally meet you." And he shook his hand.

Ray hurredly replied and went right back to moving some furniture.

"Well, I have to get back to the boarding house. Grandma made dinner. Did you have any plans tonight?"

That night I had dinner with Arnold's family. It was entertaining, as always. Grandma was being crazy as usual. But it's weird. The things I used to think were funny when I was little just seem sad now. She really doesn't remember anything. It's like the Gerty Phil fell in love with is gone. She keeps calling me Elanor.

"So Arnold you got all your stuff packed?" Phil seemed to be fine with the whole thing.

"Yeah I just got a few more things I got to do first."

Later on I helped him pack.

"Jesus Arnold you keep the most random crap." He had a huge box of little nick nacks and souviners in his closet.

"Yeah I don't really know what to do with all that. I mean, I don't really want it but I just don't feel like I should throw it away."

I picked up an old seashell. "Is this from our trip to the cape?"

Arnold came over and kneeled next to the box beside. My ears burned at his close proximity to me. "Haha, yeah. That was fun. Remember that kickass sandcastle we built?"

"Yeah, that was even back when we used to hate eachother."

"I didn't hate you." Arnold did that innocent, honest to goodness good guy thing he does all the time. It made me want to whack him.

I swooned inside a little. "Maybe not, but you sure were intent on chasing after that hussey."

"Haha oh yeah, Summer. She was a hoe."

"Fo sho."

We laughed for a while at that. "Look at this!" Arnold picked up a round copper object. "It's one of those counterfit pennies!"

"What kind of a retard makes counterfit pennies?"

"Wow. You know, looking back on our childhood, there was not one normal adult in the whole city. Everyone was freaking nuts!"

"Yeah, remember that emotionally disturbed ice cream man?"

"And Monkey Man?"

"Dude that guy was just sad."

We stopped laughing after a while and Arnold sat back against his bed. "I'm really gonna miss everyone."

"Well you've spent a summer in San Lorenzo before remember?"

"Yeah but all you guys were with me. This time it's just me and the hippies from Habitat for Humanity. And to boot, Gerals and Phoebe are going to college."

College. Psh. "Your mom goes to college."

The laughter continued.

"But seriously, you'll make some new friends."

"And possibly even find my parents."

He never doubted my dreams, so I felt it was time to return the favor. "Yeah maybe."

"I think I know what I did wrong. That mountain trail we followed didn't look exactly like the map. We could have been on the wrong mountain. Or maybe those old ruins were abandoned and they moved on somewhere else."

"Yeah I mean it's not like we could have taken our time, getting there was kind of last minute. We didn't really get any time to explore after being picked up by those cops or whatever those guys were."

"You know, you're the only person who hasn't told me to give up on finding them. It's kind of refreshing."

"They just don't want you to get your hopes up and then not find them. I can understand that. But you're not a little kid anymore. It's your decision. You spend all of your time doing things for other people. It's time you did something for you for once."

"Yeah I guess you're right." He looked like he was contemplating something. "You know, if you ever need something, you can keep in touch with me though. I know it's going to be a big adjustment for you living on your own and all..."

I laughed. "You're the one who is going to be making all the bid adjustments. Enjoy having running water while you can bro." I said as I heartily pat his shoulder then got up and stretched. " Well I have to get back to organizing a few things at home."

"Okay, cool." He smiled warmly. I don't know why but it was like he was being especally nice to me. Like he owed me something. It was kind of creepy.

I really doubted that he would ever find his parents. But I thought of the trip as closure for him. A way to finally say goosbye in his own way. He and I weren't too different. We both needed to make a change to find ourselves. I needed to get away from my parents, and he needed to get closer to his.

All throughout High School Arnold acted like he had no idea how I felt about him. Even though I know he knew I was Cecille. I wore my hair down all the time for a while after I forgot about that whole thing. But the first time he saw me he just kept... smiling at me. It wasn't until later in the bathroom that I realized why. I was wearing the same shirt and hair I wore as "Cecille."

At first I paniced because honestly, all of the crazy shenanagans I went through as a kid just kind fo ran together, and I forgot all about that. But he didn't. He remembered me... Or Cecile... Whatever. The whole thing was just really awkward for me. But he kept being friends with me and everything... It was times like these when he was smiling at me in that way that I wished I could just peer into his thoughts.

He was a mystery. A dorky crazy-haired mystery. But I wouldn't want him any other way.


	4. If I'll ever return

**Okay, so I've gone back and changed a few things. I kind of hit a snag with the timeline and everything when I realized **  
**I had made them too young. As I am sure you have gathered by now, they are 18 and about to finish high school.**

**Thank you for the reviews, keep em coming. **

**This story is shaping up to be kind of long, so there will probably be quite a few more chapters on the way**

* * *

Chapter 4

I called Helga this morning. These past couple months I've found myself acting kind of weird towards her. I don't know if she has noticed or anything. I think it has something to do about the realization I had a few years back. About that whole "Cecile" situation. Gerald is right I don't connect the dots too well. I'm a right git. All the nice things she did for me started to make sense after that ans slowly but surely, my affection towards her has become stronger and stronger.

I'm not really sure what to make of my feelings for Helga. I mean, she's messed up. Let's face it. She has problems. Maybe I only like her because I want to fix her? Maybe it's because she's the only person that never asked me to? I think maybe she just understands me better than most. When I'm with everyone else, it feels like I have to explain myself. Like I have to say out loud why I do the things I do all the time. I don't need to do that with Helga. She doesn't need any explanations. She doesn't judge me.

Anyway, so I learned that when we were kids, she had a crush on me, but acted mean to cover it up. I get it. But I doubt she still feels that way about me now. That was a long time ago. We're friends now. I can tell when she is hiding something. These past few years, she has been so carefree around me. She wasn't hiding anything.

"I get out of work at four. You can come by if you want to check it out."

I couldn't wait to see it. It was so cool to think that she'd have a place of her own. Even though it might be tough for her to get by on her own. I figured it would be worth it.

"So you can still get to school and back from here?" This was definately a project. I could hear a baby crying down the hall, and there was grafiti in the stairwell. I had never seen any place like it.

"Oh yeah it'll be fine. Only a month left! Are you excited to graduate?"

"Yeah. It's almost hard to believe. We've been lookin forward to this since we were little."

I laughed. "To be honest, I didn't even think I'd make it. I though for sure I'd drop out." My grades really weren't that great. But I did understand the subjects better than my classmates who had As. In fact, I got a 2200 on my SATs. Phoebe was pissed. She did just as well, but she worked her ass off to do so. I didn't even study.

"I knew you'd make it. Phoebe wouldn't let you drop out if you wanted to."

I stood in the middle of her living room. "Shit you weren't kidding. It really is empty." I felt so small.

I enjoyed that little time I spent with her. But she had a way of making me feel so... exposed. She picked up on everything. It was like she knew how I felt without me having to say anything.

Just as I was thinking about this, Ray came by with some furniture. He made me uncomfortable. I don't mean to be sexist or anything, but I almost feel like I need to trust him to take care of Helga. You know, look out for her. I just hope he lives up to that expectation. I cna't help but feel protective of her. I might not be that tough, but I'm sure I could find a way to really hurt someone if they ever hurt her. Last night I fell asleep thinking of all the ways I could make Bob's life miserable without touching him. I wanted to hurt him. I've never felt that way before.

All in all, I had a really good day. I got to spend some quality time with Helga. She had dinner with me and the boarders. An honor only my very closest friends recieve.

After Helga left I slept very well. I had dreamt about my parents the same way I always do. We were on some kind of adventure together. I was so happy. Then, something happened, and I couldn't find them. It was like I was a toddler again. It was territying.

That morning I went to school like every Monday. Only this time I had my History final. After today, no more 's long winded speeches about the UN. I was excited to get it over with.

I rode in with Gerald like always, only this time we didn't pick up Helga. She was way on the other side of town now so she just took the bus. It was just easier that way. That subtracted five minutes from our sommute, so Gerald got us coffee on his way.

The first half of the day went smoothly. I acted the History final. Then, in Calculus, just before the lunch bell, my teacher got a call for me to go to the main office. I was kind of confused, because I wasn't expecting the call. For some reason, every time I get an unexpected call to the office, I get really nervous on the way there.

As I was contemplating on why I was always so nervous, it became painfully obvious what I was afraid of that whole time. And that fear was realized that day.

As soon as I saw Earnie in the office with his hands in his pockets I knew why he was there.

He put his hand on my shoulder and looked grim. "He kid, your grandfather's in the hospital. He had a heart attack. He's going into surgery soon and I think you should be there."

I wasn't as scared as I thought I would be. I was kind of prepared for this day. "Thanks for comming Earnie."

At the Hospital, I was greeted by an emotional Mr. Hyunn. "Oh Arnold. I am so scared. He needs a triple bypass! I don't know what that means, but it sounds dangerous."

Earnie shot an angry look as if to say "Stop that the poor kids probably scared enough." But I knew Mr. Hyunn. That's just how he was.

"Anyway. I hate hospitals. They are very creepy." I think I will let myself out as I am not family and can not visit him.

"I'll wait here with you and your grandma if you need a ride back."

"Thanks Earnie." I was shown into my grandpa's room.

He was on some kind of respirator so he couldn't speak. I don't know if he could hear me or not, but I just talked. I don't even remember exactly what I said to him. I held his hand and I told him how it was all going to be okay. I told him about my History final an dthe colleges I wante to go to, and how I was going to grow up to be a great psycologist some day. The idea of doing that all without him was scary, but I wasn't naive. He was almost ninety-one.

My grandmother sat in a chair by his bed. I don't know what kinds of things she said to him, but she looked content. like she knew exactly what would happen, and she was okay with it. To be honest I wasn't even sure she knew what was going on. Her Alzheimers made it hard to share any kind of family moment with her.

Losing a spouse must be hard, but having them forget who you are must be even worse. Fer her sake, I was kind of glad she wasn't all there.

As I am sure we all know, the doctors did all they could in his surgery. When I was little I never would have understood what was going on. But I was older now. I learned in biology that when you get old, all of your cells are a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy and you just kind of lose peices of your DNA as it replicates over and over again over the years. When you get to be ninety, your body just doesn't work like it used to. Certain organs just can't perform their functions anymore. I understood that.

At 7:19 PM Phil's heart stoped working for good.

With him gone, there was so much that had to be done. The boarding house was willed to Earnie, who over the years had become by grandfather's best friend. He was also the most handy and able to keep witht the upkeep of the building. He would have willed it to me, but it really would have just been a burden. Of course, Earnie kept rooms for me and my grandmother, free of charge. But he was in charge of everything now.

There were a lot of big changes to be made. The painful truth was, my grandmother just couldn't take care of herself anymore. Grandpa used to be with her 24/7 so he could keep her from hurting herself or doing anything too crazy, but with him gone, she really can't keep living there. Everyone has jobs and they can't give her the kind of care Phil did. Even Phil couldn't really help her in some situations. She had so many medications to organize, and he didn't really understand her medical condition too well. So Earny and I made a descision that no family member ever wants to make. But her health and happiness is most important.

Gertrude checked into Hillwood Manor nursing home on May 15th.

It was actually more like a spa or a fancy hotel. I was put at ease when I saw how kind and careful all the medical staff and personell were. I knew she'd be happy there. It was really the best place for her. I visited her every Sunday.

With my grandfather gone, and my grandmother in a nursing home, I had nowhere else to go. I was truly alone. This was the best time for me to go to San Lorenzo.

I boutght a one way ticket. I honestly don't know if I'll ever return.


	5. Sad fact of life

Chapter 5

It was business as usual at the diner. We were pretty slow, and I spent a pretty good amount of time gossiping with Tamara. Tamara had become a pretty good friend of mine since we started working together.

"Well I don't know who that guy was but if its another drug dealer I'm just goging to end it right here. The last thing I need for my little boy is another drugged out wack job in his life." Tamara rubbed her very pregnant belly and sighed.

Since Tamara started showing, I did a lot of things for her. She couldn't afford to quit her job, so I did everything I could to make it easier on her. It must be rough. Being pregnant and alone. She was just one of those women whose life just kept taking turns for the worse. She had lived a rough life, yet she remained so positive and downright pleasant to be around.

I admired her. She had become my best friend. We were closer than I ever was with Phoebe. I felt bad when I realized that she and I were drifting apart. But she didn't approve of my lifestyle and she was busy with college. Those things combined pretty much ended our friendship. I was actually better friends with Gerald than I was with Phoebe. Never thought that would happen.

Life for me wasn't easy either though. I was essentially working two jobs and going to school. I only had about a week left of school, then it was graduation in June. I didn't plan on attending the ceremony. It would just be... a dissapointment. I just could not wait to get my diploma. I was shocked that I was even going to get it. But since things got worse with my parents, I became more determined to get it. I don't know why, maybe it was something I wanted to do for myself. I needed some semblance of normalcy in my life.

As I was thinking of all this, my phone vibrated in my pocket. It was a text from Gerald. "Call me ASAP" My heart raced. Gerald wan't the type to make things seem urgent when they weren't. This was something important.

I dialed Gerald's number as I went out the back door where the cook was smoking.

"Helga. I'm glad you called. Listen, Arnold's grandfather passed away and I really think someone should be there for him tonight."

My heart sank. Sometimes the sympathy I feel for others is just as strong as my own feelings. It's like I can't descern other peoples' pain from my own.

"Okay... Thank you for telling me. I'll be over after my shift."

Henry could obviously hear the sadness in my voice. "You okay?"

"Yeah... someone kind of close to me passed away."

"I'm so sorry. Listen, you can head home if you want. It's totally dead and we really don't need more than two girls on the floor."

"Yeah, I think I will. Thank you."

I headed straight for sunset arms. I just couldn't imagine it. Sunset arms without Phil would just be like... Hogwarts without Dumbledore. I couldn't imagine how things could go on without him.

I arrived at about 9. Gerald was nowhere to be found. Odd.

I knocked at the door to be greeted by a teary-eyed .

"A-arnol is- is-" Mr. Hyunn gestured towards the living room.

"Thank you Mr. Hyunn" I said softly. That man is really prone to hysterics, and I didn't want to be near him for much longer.

Arnold was more composed. I came into the living room to see him sitting on the couch with a blank stare in the general direction of the TV. He wasn't really watching it. It was more like he was watching something take place in his mind. A memory maybe. He had a few tears falling down his cheeks. He did nothing to wipe them away. He just left them there to fall to his lap.

He looked over to me and gave a weak smile. I sat next to him and held his hand. He leaned his head on my shoulder and cried. I comforted him in our wordless exchange. I just quietly stroked his hair as I began crying myself. I don't think he noticed though. I couldn't help but feel his pain.

I was going to miss Phil too. He was always so good to me. I was also pretty sure he knew my secret when we were little. He always smiled at me in that knowing way. It was comforting.

Apparently Gerald had stopped by earlier. He must have called me as he was leaving. I thought maybe he wanted to be alone, but he accepted my comfort so openly.

From far away, we would have looked like lovers snuggling on the sofa watching a movie. That thought was kind of funny to me.

Soon Arnold drifted off to sleep, and I thought of all the times I cried myself to sleep. It would have been much better if I had someone holding me and comforting me and I suddenly felt proud that I could have been there for him.

I got a blanket from the linen closet and tucked him in. We never spoke of that night. In fact, we never exchanged words about the death of Phil at all.

At the funeral I hugged him and gave him comforting looks, but never said anything. There weren't really any words. All I could do was be there for him if he wanted to talk. He knew I was there, but I understood that he didn't want to talk about it.

After a few days of mourning, Arnold was his old self again. When he returned to school on Monday he was still a little depressed, but he wasn't going to mope around. Phil wouldn't have wanted him to.

I aced all of my finals. I always tested well. I would get straight As on all my tests, but I wouldn't do homework and if I though a project was stupid, I wouldn't do that either. I ended up with a lot of Cs because of that. I obviously learned the material, I just learn in a different way. But I always say "Ds get degrees." And it's true. As long as you get the degree, who cares what you got for grades?

Anyway, graduation day was comming up and the gang was hanging out just about every day. Although I was busy with work and dealing, I was able to spend time with both my old and new friends with school out of the way. All there was left was the graduation ceremony.

Arnold talked me into going and I just kind of figured what the hell. So I went. My god was it boring. Not to mention my class mates really tried my patience. They were extremely rude. While the speakers were up, everyone was wispering to one another, blowing bubbles, playing with beach balls, it was so disrespectful. They couldn't just sit and listen like grown ups. I felt like I was surrounded by children. I was kind of embarassed.

When I got my diploma everyone cheered. It hit me right there how many friends I had made. I was going to miss them.

After we all got our diplomas our friends all went to see their parents. Arnold and I had no parents, but we were greeted just as warmly by the Johansons and the Hyerdals. It was kind of nice. It was like they were our extended family.

The fact that Bob and Mariam weren't there didn't phase me at all. If they had shown up, I'd have been mortified. They probably didn't even know I was graduating. They didn't care.

Afterwards we all had a party at Rhonda's. It was actually one of the best nights of my life. We all hung out reminiscing about the old days, watching old movies, and just kind of hanging out. Everyone was so grown up now. Rhonda was going to school for fashion marketing, Stinky was going to engineering school, Sid wasgoing to school for finance, Harold was going to culinary school, and Nadine was majoring in biology. Everyone was so excited about their new schools.

That was another thing Arnold and I had in common, neither of us knew what we were doing after high school. Arnold was going to San Lorenzo and I was trying to crank out a third novel. I honestly had little to no hope of ever being published. I didn't care.

There were two things I knew I was good at, writing, and selling weed.

I really hated thinking about saying goodbye to Arnold. I couldn't help but wonder what his life would be like out in the jungle, and how I would go about my day without him. Arnold had his own life, and I had mine. It was just a sad fact of life.


	6. The source of my suffering

Chapter 6

The aftermath of my grandfather's death was probably the most depressing time in my life. All the baorders moped around for weeks.

The night he died, Gerald came over. I don't know how he found out, because I didn't tell him. I guess after I left school, rumors about my grandfather passing away went around and reached his ears. At least that's what he told me. I honestly just wanted to be left alone. I really didn't want to talk about it. Gerald said all the normal things people say to comfort a greiving relative. I just didn't want to hear it. He picked up on that and let himself out.

I was sitting on the couch thinking about him when Helga came over. I didn't think I wanted company but it was a huge relief to see her. I don't know why but she was just the person I needed. I guess I really needed the comfort of a woman. She just kind of walked in the room and made everything better. She always did that.

The next morning I thought about her a lot. I could feel myslef begin to fall in love with her, but I resisted as best I could. I was going to San Lorenzo to find my parents. I had to do this. I couldn't start anything I couldn't finish. She deserved someone more stable. I didn't even know who I was.

I think it's het tough girl exterior that makes her mushy center all the sweeter. It's almost like I'm being let in to some kind of beautiful secret nobody else knows. She was fearless. I was fed up with wimpy girls needing me to do everything for them, and expecting stupid things from me. I can honestly say that I think gender roles are 100% bulllshit.

The last girl I dated was such a priss. Admitedly, that was what attracted me to her at first. She was so feminine. But there is a fine line between feninimity and weakness. It was almost like she purposely acted stupid to seem cute. I didn't think it was cute at all. I though she might drop that act when we got closer, but the closer I got to her the more I realized she was just genuinely stupid.

And then there was Lila. Oh dear God. She was the exact opposite of Helga in every way. She had such a sweet little girl exterior. She seemed so nice and polite and caring. But once I got close to her I learned she could be quite the frigid bitch. I know it sounds harsh, but we ended our relationship on pretty bad terms. She wanted to break up because she thought she needed someone who "had their shit together" and by that she meant rich and hansome. I later learned that she had cheated on me. Lila was the only person who ever genuinely made me angry. If it weren't for women like her, sexism wouldn't exist.

It sucked not having my grandparents at my graduation, but I was glad to have Helga to share that feeling with. It was going to be rough not having her around that summer. She was like my safety blanket.

The day of my flight was full of tearful goodbyes. I told people to expect me back in the fall knowing I was going to stay as long as it took. I think it was just comforting to them to tell them I'd be back. Truth was I didn't know that.

Gerald Phoebe and Helga accompanied me to the airport. Gerald and Phoebe were focusing on telling me to keep in touch and all while Helga was focusing on the more practical things. She was making sure I had everything, giving me advice on how to stay safe and providing me with all kinds of information so I could write home and obtain plane tickets for my flight back. She even gave me directions to the American Embassy near the Bolivian boarder. Other than that there was really nothing left to say. There were things I wanted to say but thought better of.

My flight was fairly pleasant. I had been on this flight before, and everything was just as I remembered it.

Once I landed in San Lorenzo, the hardest two months of my life ensued. I worked like a dog. I was always pretty good in shop class so I was able to do the work fine, but it was exhausting. We were building houses from sun up to sun down.

I worked with a lot of really poor families who had nothing. I had never seen such poverty. Last time I was in San Lorenzo we were pretty much in the jungle the whole time. We didn't see any of the rural areas. It was hard work, but it was worth it.

I made a point not to get too close to any of the other voulenteers. Adter out work was done, I wanted to just slip away into the jungle.

In August I did just that. I went back to the mountain marked on my dad's map.

Words can not express how hot and humid it was there. It was like being in a sauna. It was pretty brutal.

After days of trecking through the jungle thinking I was lost, I came upon a secluded valley where native people lived. It was the village of the green-eyed people. I couldn't believe it.

Luckily the elders spoke Spanish so I was able to communicate with them.

Upon my arrival, I was greeted like a king. They remembered my parents and all they had done for the village. All throughout my life until this point I did everything I could to learn about medicine and ancient remedies for common ailments. I was able to show them how to grow penecilin. I was surprised my parents hadn't already shown them. I felt so proud.

My parents were last seen with a man named LaSombra. They said that they had gone to talk to him and never came back. This discouraged me. But I did all I could to track him down. I was determined to meet the source of my suffering.


	7. Now or never

Chapter 7

After Arnold left things kind of picked up. I started hanging out with Ray's friends a lot. It was nice to have people to just shoot the shit with.

Tamara had her baby on June 13th. He was so cute. I helped to baby sit a lot when she and her boyfriend were working. She was dating a guy named Paul who worked at an auto shop. He made decent money. I was really happy for her.

Sure enough though, I became pressured to sell harder drugs. Weed made decent money, but not enough to pay for the things I wanted. Sure I could get by on cheap knock-off stuff and low quality walmart brand food, but I wanted to be healthier. I was kind of sick. In order to make my life better, I had to help someone else make theirs worse.

After a while I was running heroin. I wasn't selling it, just transporting it. White women almost never got pulled over. It was a fact. Even if I did get pulled over, they would never suspect me of having drugs. As long as I didn't speed or anything I was fine.

One night I was talking to ray in the hallway.

"So are we all set for tomorrow?" I leaned against my door frame

"Yeah, it's all good." Ray's stomach growled.

"When was the last time you ate?"

"I dunno know like yesterday?" It was 4 in the afternoon.

"Danm bro get in here and eat some spaghetti."

"Haha okay I guess I should." I let him in and headed for the kitchen

"I've got some of my home made sauce in the fridge, it'll just take a minute to heat up."

"I didn't know you cooked. Look at chew bein all domestic-y"

I smiled and shrugged playfully "What can I say, I'm just that awesome"

The rest of the night we hung out at my apartment. It was then that I learned he was attracted to me. He never actually said anything but I could tell. He has a lot of female friends but he treated me differently. I was always good at reading people like that. I was the only person who could get him flustered. It was cute. Here was this tough drug dealer guy and I was making him nervous.

I have to admit, I had been attracted to him from the first time we met, but I assumed he was out of my league because he was a little older than me. He was also more experienced. At 23 years old he had seen more suffering and violence than I ever had.

We had a lot of little interactions that hinted at our attraction but we never really admitted it. It wasn't until we came home drunk from a party that either of us made a move. I think it was me that kissed him first. Wither way the night culminated with us amking out on Leah's couch.

The next day when he mentioned it I thought maybe it was just a drunken hook-up? You know, like a heat of the moment kind of thing? Maybe we'd just forget about it?

But he didn't see it that way. He put his arm around my waist and kissed me. "I don't want to forget about it."

I loved his forwardness. That really won me over.

The next few months were the best of my life. We were a pot-dealing wonder couple. He was growing it and I was selling it. I have to admit, I secretly donated some money here and there to organizations that helped keep kids off drugs. I don't know why, but it made me feel better about whatI was doing.

It wasn't the weed that bothered me, it was the heroin. I know that people choose to take it themselves, I never pressured anyone to buy it. If someone was thinking about trying it I would tell them to way. That would get me in a lot of trouble.

We would run drugs for a local gang when we needed extra money. Ray's brother was pretty influential in it, so we were able to work from time to time for them and they would leave us alone. It was a pretty good deal.

I never liked the idea of working with gangsters, but Ray's brother was such a sweet guy. It was hard to believe that he had ever killed anyone. I guess that's just me being naive.

My relationship with Ray deepened as time went by. He meant the world to me. We planned to move to a nicer apartment as soon as he got a "real job." Apparently he had an associates in hospitality, so he could actually get a decent job working for a hotel. He got fired at his last job for selling weed to custimers. A hotel is a great place to deal, I don't blame him.

He thought I should send my books to more publishers. He read one of them and thought it was really good. He wasn't just saying that either. That meant the world to me.

It was nearing the end of November when I started worrying about Arnold. He said he'd be back in the fall and I guess he never specified, but I hadn't heared from him.

I was thinking about this as I walked to the warehouse where Ray grew the weed. It was very cold so we had to pay special attention to it. I wanted to suprise him with his favorite coffee.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" Ray was happy to see me.

I gave him a kiss and handed him the coffee.

"You're the best." He gave me a longer, more tender kiss.

Ray was quite the botanist. He created his unique strain himself. He called it Jazz weed because he would listen to jazz as he worked on it. It had become his little brand name and other growers were trying to make knock-offs of it. But his was the best.

I was tending to the plants when a knock came on the door. My heart skipped a beat. We poked our heads up like scared prarrie dogs.

"Stay here" Ray put a hand on my shoulder as he went into the other room and looked out the peep hole. He came back in and told me to get in the closet.

"What? I'm not getting in the fucking closet. Who is it? Do you need me to save some seeds?"

In case of emergency, we each kept a few seeds so we could replant should we lose our plants.

"No just hide. And don't come out until I tell you to. No matter what okay?"

"Okay." I went into the closet and softly kissed him for the last time

As soon as Ray went to open the door, two men jumped him. I heard a struggle and then a gun shot. My blood curdled.

I kept a hand over my mouth to silence my breathing, but my heart was racing.

I saw shaddows under the door and heard people walking around. They calmly picked up a few plants like they were getting groceries.

"Search the rest of the place. He might have some other stuff too." The plants weren't ready to be harvested so I don't know what they thought they were going to do with the plants.

I leaned against a shelf to hide myself in case someone should come in. I picked up a crowe bar in my right hand and held it by my side.

Sure enough, the door opened. It was now or never.


	8. More than ever

Chapter 8

The villagers took good care of me. I learned to farm in their traditional way. It was really interesting learning about their way of life. It was so simple. But it was a lot of hard work. I respected them a lot.

A young woman who was assigned as my attendant brought me a disturbing letter one day in early February. It was from Helga.

The letter had all kinds of strange drawings of dragons and monsters all over it. The paper was stained but I wasn't sure if it was from the trip into this remote village or if it happened before it was sent. The message frantically scribbled on the page was even more disturbing.

_A r N old-_

_This is what they look like. They look just like this. You need to have a picture of them with you at all times. They tried to come in through the sink this morning so watch out for plumming. Sometimes they bite you but only if you aren't paying attention. I got some in my hair yesterday so I cut all of their heads off with kitchen sheers. _

_Things have been getting better lately though. I had spaghetti too so that was good. I wasn't hungry for a long time after that. I worry about you- I just hope they didn't get you. I have awful night terrors where they swoop dowin into the jungle and gnash their teeth and gnash and their teeth all over the jungle. They get so many animals and the panthers and fish They all die. They DIE - - Even the trees. I just can't help but worry that one of those days you will be one of those animals.I can see you in the jungle in the jungle in the teeth gnashing and clawing and then the river of lava comes and it rains and the rain turns to stone in the rain_

_Don't worry about the television I already know about that- They can't get you if you lay the screen face down on the couch. I hope you knew that_

_YOU should know-this_

_Just stay safe because I love you and you deserve to live - You're the only one left arnold_

_-Helga_

I had no idea what to make of this cryptic message. It was almost like she had gone insane.

I needed to get this trip going and hurry home. I needed to see La Sombra in the morning and if my parents weren't there I was just going to go home. I needed to get home. I shouldn't have spent so much time with the villagers. Helga obviously needed me. Something had gone terribly wrong.

In the morning I pack all my belongings, said goodbye to the villagers and took their directions to LaSombra's ranch.

I arrived late in the day. I could just make out the wall through the trees. There was nobody guarding the gate so I just went in.

As I followed the path to the house a man stopped me. "Ho there I haven't seen you around here before." A tall wild looking man stood at the door. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I'm looking for someone by the name of LaSombra?"

"That's me. Is there something you need?"

"Yeah, I'm looking for Miles Shortman, have you seen him?"

A wistful look came on his face. "Yes I remember him. He moved to a cottage with his wife not far from here. I can show you the way if you'd like."

"Yes I would like that very much" There were no words to describe me feelings in that moment. My parents were alive? Here?

My heart pounded the whole way down a few weird windy roads until a small cottage in a clearing came into view.

"This is where they live. Are you going to be okay for the resat of the way?"

"Oh yea, thank you thank you" I thanked him profusely and shook his hand. He must have though I was nuts.

I ran as fast as I could to the door of the cottage and knocked as loudly as I could.

Another wild looking man came into view. He looked like he had just been woken from a restful sleep.

"Can I help you?"

I looked at him wide-eyed. "Are you Miles?"

He looked puzzled. "Yes how did you know that?"?

"It's me, Arnold!" I hugged him. He seemed caught off guard. He half heatedly hugged be back and patted my back politely.

"Arnold? Um. I'm sorry but have we met?"

"You forgot me? I'm your son!"

"Um... Stella?" He called back into the house "Do you think we might have had a son."

"What" came a small unfamiliar voice. Then she appeared. That was definitely my mom. But it wasn't really her...

"Oh hi sweety. Wow you sure do look like miles... Oh my God I feel so bad, we had a son all this time?" She looked terrified.

"Um, can you explain what's going on here?" I asked

"Oh dear, we ought to sit down. Would you like some tea?"

"I guess..."

I came into a strange little kitchen with all kinds of lab equipment in it.

"I guess we should just start from the beginning? Or at least, as far back as we can remember." said Miles

"The first thing I remember was when we awoke in a strange village" said Stella

"The green-eyed people?" I asked

"Yes, I see you have already met them." She gestured towards a pack I carried on my hip that one of the women had made for me.

"Well apparently we were friends of theirs who would come from the United States bringing all kinds of medicine and aid. We did a lot of good things for them and they respected us."

"We don't remember any of it but we were told that we were given some kind of drug that causes severs amnesia. We barely survived it affects. We were lucky to live, but we can't recall anything of our past life."

"The green eyes knew we were from the United States, but other than that, they knew nothing of our past lives."

"We don't really know where the United States are but from what we hear it's a horrible place that is at war. We figured we must have come here to take refuge."

I looked at them in utter disbelief. "I just came all the way here from the United States. It's north of here. It's not a bad place at all in fact it's quite nice." I laughed. I couldn't believe this was happening. I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

My mother came up behind me and put a hand on my face and kissed my head. "I believe that you are my son though. You look just like me. I am so sorry that we don't remember you. This must be so hard for you."

"Hard for me? You just learned that you had a son, this must be a shock to you."

Miles and Stella looked at eachother and shrugged. "Stuff like this happens a lot. We're slowly re-learning about the world. It can be frustrating at times, but to be honest it's a relief to have someone from our past lives here." Miles smiled at me. From the moment I walked in he didn't take his eyes off me.

Stella looke at me apologetically. "I guess we have a lot to talk about."

The next three days I spent in the cottage with my parents. The whole thing was so surreal. But it was really them. They were alive.

I showed them his journal and things slowly started coming back to them. It was going to be a long process to get them back on track with their old lives, but it would be worth it in the end.

Apparently LaSombra,wasn't really a bad guy at all. He came to the jungle looking for treasure. La corazon was a priceless relic and most people believed the greed-eyed people died out. Then one day Miles and Stella took LaSombra to the village of the green-eyes people to prove to him that they did still exist.

"Well, we succeeded in convincing him not to take their sacred relic, but we also succeeded in royally pissing off the elders." said Miles

"They were so angry with us for taking an outsider into the village, they sent us away and gave us some kind of ancient potion that made us forget everything, including the location of the village, so we could never return." Said Stella

"But I was just at that village, they were very welcoming when they learned who I was."

"Miles and Stella looked at eachother thoughtfully. "They must have felt bad for what they did all those years ago when they meet you. This must be their way of repaying you."

"The green-eyed people are very wise. They admit when they have done wrong, and they would never intend to harm an innocent person. But they are very strict about their secrecy. Even when we were on good terms with them, there were still some elders who did not want us there. They were constantly fighting about allowing outsiders in."

"They meant to punish us, not you. You deserve to know your own parents" Stella looked very sad. Almost guilty. She took my hand across the table and studied my features. "Wow. I just can't believe we have a son. This is amazing. I want to know everything about you."

So it was settled. We were going back to Hillwood as soon as we could. Luckily, I knew how to get to the American Embassy so we could fly home. I was so happy to finally be returning home with my parents. I was also nervous about Helga.

Something was terribly wrong. It seemed like she had started doing some pretty hard drugs. I was very disappointed in her. But I should be there for her. She needs me now more than ever.


	9. I hate being a penguin

Chapter 9

I woke up on the couch this morning. I have no idea what happened the night before. What day is it? Saturday? How long has it been? What have I been doing for the last two months? I don't know. I don't want to. I hate these kinds of thoughts.

I rush into the kitchen hands shaking. I rummage through the drawer. I need something... I stocked up a while ago, when was it? Tuesday? I had no idea what day it was.

I find a little bit of LSD and breathe a sigh of relief. The apartment was a mess. Ughhh these thoughts...

What was that?

I see myself rummaging through my belongings.

A lamp shades flies so gracefully through the air.

I stop to admire it then slowly slump to the floor.

I am not alone.

It's Arnold. Oh it's him again. I see him all the time. I love when he comes to visit. Sometimes he comes in the middle of the night with all kinds of weird colors I've never seen before. I don't know how he does that...

Something is different this time. He doesn't look like he usually does.

This isn't right. Soimething's wrong.

I don't even know anymore. I'll just try to sleep. Go to bed.

Go to bed.

Go to bed

Nobody's ever told me that. Nobody has ever told me to go to bed.

Isn't that weird?

I watch the wallpaper wiggle around.  
It's so funny how t does that. How does it do that?

I think there was a cat?

A cat?

Yeah it was just a cat.

I think.

It's hard to tell sometimes when they scurry around like that.

I hate being a penguin.


	10. Helpless

Chapter 10

I arrived at Helga's apartment around 11 AM.

There were some weird noises coming from it. It sounded like someone was fighting or something. I ran up to see what the commotion was all about.

It was just her. But not really her.

She was throwing her belongings around and muttering to herself. She turned her back to the wall and slumped down with a creepy smile on her face. It was terrifying.

I came in and sat next to her. I wasn't sure what to say to her...

"I'm glad you came. You always do when I get like this. I can always count on you."

I was confused. I could see her pupils were dilated. She must have taken something weird. The apartment was a disaster area. Helga was pretty fastidious, so seeing her apartment like this was a once in a lifetime moment. She looked so pathetic. "You died. I know you did. What's it like to be dead?"

"Helga, I'm not dead I'm right here."

"I wish I were dead..."

"Helga, you really aren't safe here, you could hurt yourself." I saw the broken glass on the floor and noted her bare feet. Correction. She had one sock on. She was wearing shorts and a tank top. It was freezing. "Listen, why don't you go lay down for a little bit? Get all nice and warm in bed and you can come talk to me when you're yourself, okay?" I looked her in the eye. She was like a child.

She moaned and tried to push me away. "Noo. No. You're not Arnold. I don't know you. Get away from me." She looked emaciated. She was pathetic. I don't know how she could get to this point.

I was eventually able to get her into the bedroom and get her to lay down.

I went into the kitchen. I looked around for what she took. So many pill bottles. All kinds of things I couldn't even pronounce. There was cocaine in the salt shaker. I saw a little baggie on the counter with those squares in it.

She must have taken LSD. I threw up my hands in frustration and shook my head at my own stupidity. She's not going to sleep any time soon. I was fed up. I looked at my watch. I'll come back around 6. Maybe I can catch her between trips. I stuffed the LSD into my pocket.

When I returned Helga was frantically searching her kitchen. "What tha fuck?"

"Helga?"

She turned and squinted at me and rubbed her eyes. She looked at me like I was crazy.

She sat right down in the middle of her kitchen floor and took a deep breath. She looked up, closed her eyes and breathed deeply. She ran her fingers through her scalp and grabbed her hair, rocking back and forth. She looked like she was about to vomit.

I ran over to her. "Helga."

"Oh my god" she turned white as a ghost "It's really you. I know it's really you. It has to be..." after a minute of staring at me she threw her arms around me and started crying hysterically. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I tried so hard."

"Helga tell me what happened." I held her close. "You're okay. You're okay."

She wiped her nose and looked up at me with her big blue eyes. I pitied her.

"They killed Ray. They shot him. He's dead Arnold. I can't... I can't do it alone."

I noticed a few scars on her collar bone, neck and arms. It looked like she had gotten stitches. "Did they hurt you?"

She cried harder and nodded. "I tried. I tried to fight them off. But there were two of them. I knocked one unconscious and the other tried to rape me, but I got away," She took a deep breath. "I was in the hospital for a while. They gave me some meds and when I ran out I just... moved on to other things. I just want it to go away." I steadied her in my arms as she shook.

It was then that I noticed a photograph on her refrigerator of her and Ray. They were lovers.  
I couldn't imagine her pain.

But this was no way to cope with it. There had to be something I could do for her. I felt so helpless.


	11. Determined

Chapter 11

Once Arnold came home things started to get a little better. I learned that it was late January. I had no idea. I had been on so many drugs I just kind of lost touch with reality.

He just kind of walked into the room and made everything better. He always does that.

He helped me organize my apartment back to normal, and made me a nice home cooked meal. I hadn't eaten in a while. This was the longest I had remained sober in almost two months. I knew I had to talk about it. I just didn't want to.

Tamara tried to help me but I wouldn't let her near me. I guess I was pretty mean to her. I don't know if she'll talk to me again. She does not want me near her son. I really let her down. Everyone she loves becomes a junkie.

For some reason Arnold was the only person who could get through to me.

In all of my commotion I forgot to ask him about San Lorenzo. I was so busy being a drugged out psychopath I forgot that he must be going through a lot too.

Arnold smiled at me with his eyes. "I found them. They were living in San Lorenzo for all these years."

"What? Why? Why didn't they come home?"

"It's kind of a long story but basically they had been drugged and forgot everything about their past life. When I first met them, they had no idea who I was."

"Oh Arnold that's awful. I'm sorry."

"No it's okay, I brought them back to Hillwood and they're slowly remembering everything. I just wish my grandfather could have been around to see them."

"You know Dr. Blliss knows a lot about the human memory. She says that you can never truly forget something. It's always in your subconscious."

"Helga, you've been seeing Dr. Bliss? That's great"

"Yeah, I saw her a few times after I got out of the hospital. I tried to keep up with it, but I just... Didn't want to talk. After the memorial service I just kind of... evaporated."

"Well I think that when you're ready you should go see her again. She's probably worried about you."

"Yeah, I shouldn't have worried her like that."

Around then, reality started to set in. Ray was dead. I couldn't change that. If he were alive to see me in that state he would be very disappointed in me. He would not want me to wallow and destroy my life. He would want me to be happy.

I deserved to be happy. That was a realization that took me my whole life to come to. Ever since I was little, I always felt that I deserved the bad things that happened to me.

As I sorted through my various pill bottles I thought of my mother. I thought about the first time I took valium. I must have been around 6 or 7. At least, that's the first instance I can look back on and identify what I took as being valium.

Whenever I had a headache or something like that she would give it to me. I didn't know it wasn't normal to take. In school they taught us that it's okay to take drugs if they come from the doctor or if your parents give them to you. The bottles were from my family doctor, so I though it was okay.

I was taking all kinds of pills from an early age. Sometimes I'd pretend to be sick so my mom would give me some more pills. When I was about 13 I started taking them myself.

I was 13 the first time I hit my dad back. He swung at me, and I ducked under him, grabbed the vase off the table and whacked him over the head with it. He fell unconscious.

I thought I had killed him. I was 13 and terrified that I had killed my father. I didn't know what to do. I felt like a true Pataki that day. I wasn't afraid that my father had died, in fact I was relieved. I was afraid I would go to jail or something.

My father taught me to fight. Just not in the way a father usually teaches his daughter to fight. I learn by doing anyway. I was proud of myself when I broke his nose when I was 15.

As much as I hate my parents for what they did to me, I am glad they made me who I am. I am stronger now because of it. I know, I'm addicted to prescription medication because of my mom, but I can get help for that. It's not permanent.

Admittedly, the idea of getting clean terrified me. I had been taking drugs for as long as I can remember. This was going to be a long process.

Arnold was sorting through my kitchen drawer when he stopped dead and just kind of stared into it. Then he held up a syringe and gave me a look I will never forget. He looked like he was going to cry.

"I didn't." I assured him. "I had access to it this whole time. I thought about it, but I never took heroin."

He still looked upset.

"Listen. I'm going to get better. It may take a while but I promise you, I will never go back to this. I'll do it for Ray. I'll do it for myself. I want my life back. Nothing will stop me from doing that." I was determined.


	12. Unfinished business

Chapter 12

There was so much to do when I got home. I was introducing my parents to everyone and their mother. The phone was ringing off the hook. Every single person I went to high school with called as soon as they heard. I must have told the story a million times.

We learned that my parents had a savings account at the local bank with a lot of money in it. We figured they must have been saving up for a down payment on a house. They started house hunting immediately. My mother also applied to every hospital and clinic in the area.

There was a lot to do. Not to mention taking care of Helga. She checked into a little rehab center just outside Hillwood. I was so proud. She was starting to get her life back too. Slowly but surely, things were falling back into place. I guess in order to have everything I want, I needed to lose everything. It was hard and scary but totally worth it.

Helga started gaining weight and was starting to look like her old self again. At times she'd have pretty bad withdrawals, but I was there for her every step of the way.

Sometimes she'd call me when it got really bad and she didn't want to see a doctor. I'd come to her room and just hold her as she cried and shook. I'd usually call a doctor in afterward because after all, there was only so much I could do. I was just happy to be there for her in any way I could. I just wished I could take the pain away. I hated seeing her like that.

With Gerald and Phoebe at school, Helga was my only friend. Well, I guess there were still some old people from high school kicking around here and there, but I wasn't nearly as close with them as I was with Helga.

It's weird. Even after all we went through, I still loved her. Starting around senior year, it was hard to keep my affection for her platonic. She just lost her boyfriend, she was going through a lot. It would probably be a while before she was ready to move on.

My parents eventually found a nice house in a suburb with an in-law.

"It's perfect! This way you can have your own little place to live if you decide do go to school near by." My mom beamed

"Yeah, and if not, we can always rent it out and get some extra money" My father winked

My parents were awesome. They struck a perfect balance of being there for me, and giving me space. After all, I was 19. I wasn't a little kid anymore. They totally supported me in whatever I wanted to do.

Every Sunday we visited Grandma and brought new flowers to Grandpa's grave. Being a doctor, my mother offered to bring grandma to live with us, but she seemed so happy at Hillwood manor. She had a lot of friends there. She didn't really know what was going on anyway. I don't think she really understood that her son was back. She kept calling him Arnold.

That spring she passed away. She went peacefully, so there really wasn't anything to be sad about. Her funeral was more of a celebration of her life. We shared memories about her over tea that night. It was so nice to hear about my grandparents when they were younger. They were pretty cool people.

Helga was coming home in July. It occurred to me that she didn't actually have a home. I did not want her going back to that nasty apartment building.

I called her that night "So do you know what you want to do when you get out?"

"Well I've been doing a lot of writing here. One of the girls here works for a publishing company and she's bringing one of my books to her boss"

"Wow that's awesome!" I was so excited for her

"Yeah, I'm applying to a few colleges and if I can make some money off my book I might not have to take out a loan. I might even get a special scholarship."

"I'm so happy for you Helga!" I really was. That was great news. "Well I might go to school near by too. We have plenty of room in our new house if you need somewhere to stay. I'm hoping to get into Brookstone. That way I can just commute back and forth."

Helga insisted in renting the in-law if she did want to commute. She was fiercely independent and wouldn't take any handouts. I would probably be the same.

It seemed like everything was starting to come together. As much as I wanted to continue pretending like it wasn't there, I knew I had some unfinished business.


	13. Take me in your arms

Chapter 13

It was a beautiful summer day when I wa released. I felt like a new woman. I was completely clean for the first time in my life. The humid air smelled like flowers. Something about the warm weather perks up all my senses and everything just feels so much more real.

Sure enough, there was Arnold waiting for me. He was my only family. You would think that would have made me sad but it didn't. I felt so blessed to have someone who cared so deeply for me. I counted my blessings.

"Oh hello ma'am have we met?" Arnold beamed and gave me a big warm hug.

He took my bags and put them in the old packard. I stopped and smiled. "It's so nice out today. The sun feels amazing."

"Do you want to go for a walk and enjoy it for a bit?" Arnold kep a hand on my back. His touch was the most comforting feeling of them all.

"Sure." I took my last walk through the gardens. This time I was with the most important person in my life. "You know, I've been meaning to ask you something..."

"Yeah sure, anything."

I peered over my shoulder at him. "Why did you do all of this for me? I mean, you stayed with me every step of the way. You were always there for me. Through everything."

He smiled the biggest smile I've ever seen on him. "Well welll well who's the paste-for-brains now?" He looked positively giddy. "What else are supposed to do when someone you love is in trouble?"

"Love?"

He gave his best Helga impersonation. "You heard me pal, I love you. What are you deaf?" Then he put an arm around my waist and gave me a kiss I will never forget. It was a long time coming, but I knew deep down that he was the one. I think I always knew it.

* * *

Okay so there it is. I may writ another one following them through college idk yet. But I said the story began as a playlist so here it is:

**-My mom- eminem**

**-I will be light- matisyahu**

**-Unwinding cable car- anberlin**

**-For you- matisyahu**

**-I leave the light on- Beth Hart**

**-Hurt- nine inch nails/Johnny Cash**

**-Skin- Beth Hart**

**-Inevitable- Anberlin**

**-Cadence- Anberlin**

**-Never Take Friendship Personal- Anberlin**

**-Dismantle. Repair.- Anberlin**

**-Stay- Beth Hart**

**-This woman's work- Kate Bush/ Maxwell**

**-I feel like dying- Lil wayne**

**-Stationary Stationary- Anberlin**

**-Hello Alone- Anberlin**

**-Silence- Matisyahu  
**

**And of course "Take me in your arms" the title of the story:**

wowzone .com /heroin .htm

**And then there was some fan art that inspired me:**

Deviant art**  
**

.com/?qh=§ion;=&q=helga+pataki+smoke#/d2z3j8u

.com/?q=hey%20arnold&order=9&offset=24#/d1si3kp


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